BREAKING: Trump announces new national security advisor in tweet

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

***Breaking***

News with a Twist 

	H.R. McMaster out as national security advisor
	Will be replaced by former U.N. ambassador John Bolton

President Trump said Thursday that he was naming former ambassador John Bolton, a Fox News commentator and conservative firebrand, as his new national security advisor, replacing Lt. Gen. H.R. McMaster.

The president announced the news in a tweet: “I am pleased to announce that, effective 4/9/18, @AmbJohnBolton will be my new National Security Advisor. I am very thankful for the service of General H.R. McMaster who has done an outstanding job & will always remain my friend.”

Contacted by Around the Block, McMaster would not confirm or deny that he is a friend of Trump nor whether, if he is, intends to remain so.

The national security advisor job came down to a contest between Bolton and Lt. General Keith Kellogg. Bolton, one of the many Fox News contributors who often agrees with the president’s instincts, was given the nod despite Trump’s distaste for his mustache.

As reported last week by Around the Block, Trump told a friend, “I hate that mustache. Every time I look at him on TV I think I’m watching Wilfred Brimley pitch oatmeal and diabetes. I hate oatmeal and he can’t even pronounce diabetes. Diabetis…I mean what’s that?”

Bolton ultimately got the nod after a late Thursday negotiation resulting in a deal in which Trump would not require Bolton to shave his mustache and Bolton promised never to utter the words oatmeal or diabetis.

Although Kellogg did not get the national security advisor job, he did not go home empty-handed. As previously reported by Around the Block, Trump likes Kellogg and told friends “Keith makes me laugh.” With this in mind Kellogg has been offered, and will take, the newly created job as White House Entertainment Director and Official Court Jester.

Kellogg, a scion of the Kellogg cereal company, clinched the position after telling the president that his family connections will allow him to bring Kellogg icons Ms. Snap, Ms. Crackle and Ms. Pop to the White House whenever the president feels the need for advice and counsel.