Spicer claims 39-star flag represents Trump states

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Trump uses Twitter to wish Melania “Happy Birthday”

Tweet uses American flag with only 39 stars

This past week, Melania Trump celebrated her birthday. And like most loved ones do on their spouse's birthday, Donald Trump took to Twitter to send his best wishes to his wife.

The only problem is that the flag he used in his tweet only had 39 stars, not the 50 stars representing the 50 U.S. states.

While many commentators thought this was simply an error by the White House graphics department which perhaps pulled the wrong image – there actually was an abandoned 39-star design for the American flag created in 1889 when it was assumed that the Dakotas would enter the Union as one state – not so said White House spokesman Sean Spicer, in a press briefing.

“The 39-star flag is what the president wants the country to be –Trump states. He’s simply fed up with all those states that don’t support him…you know who I mean California and New York and all those other coastal elite places. So why not show how he feels with an American flag that represents the real America, the 39 states that voted for him,” Spicer announced.

When ABC’s Jonathan Karl reminded Spicer at the presser that Trump won 30 states, not 39, Spicer chastised Karl for spreading “fake news,” and said that the real number is 39, not 30, and that the White House will be “revealing the results of its own investigation of massive voter fraud in nine states soon."

Spicer closed the briefing by reiterating that the crowds for the inauguration were the biggest in the history of the presidency and that Hitler never used chemical weapons on his people.

Trump to establish "Now For Something Completely Different" bureau

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

U.S. Navy carrier group was headed the wrong way

Spicer: All part of the “doing something completely different” plan

The Washington Post reported today that the U.S. aircraft carrier Carl Vinson that was supposed to be steaming toward North Korea more than a week ago, representing an “armada” demonstrating American resolve, seems to be finally be heading north.

The Carl Vinson, accompanied by a carrier air wing, two guided-missile destroyers and a cruiser, was supposed to have been ordered to sail north after leaving Singapore on April 8. But a week later, the Navy published photos showing it was actually sailing in the opposite direction through the Sunda Strait between the Indonesia islands of Sumatra and Java, more than 3,000 miles southwest of the Korean Peninsula — and more than 500 miles southeast of Singapore.

At the time of the Korea deployment announcement Defense Secretary James "Mad Dog" Mattis told reporters the Carl Vinson was “on her way up there.” In an interview that aired April 12, President Trump said the U.S. was sending ships. “An armada, very powerful,” he said.

Pentagon sources say that Mattis, living up to his nickname, reportedly told staffers regarding the disorganization, he was "mad as hell" and wasn't "going to take it anymore."

Mad Dog aside, why it took the task group an entire week to actually turn around remains a question.

When asked about the confusion, White House press secretary Sean Spicer said, “Ah, confusion. I’m glad you asked that. As you all know, the President refuses to tip his hand to our adversaries. As he’s said many times before, you don’t want to signal your intentions to the enemy so they can prepare. In this case, we completely confused Kim Jong Il by actually saying what we’d do, a complete change from our normal policy, and then doing something “completely different.”

Spicer went on to say that the President is thrilled by the success of the Carl Vinson's 180-degree turn-around.

"The Carl Vinson-180 puts to rest the crooked media's deriding of our 180-degree policy shifts as now we've put that policy into tangible military action. In fact, we're calling the task group "Operation Doing a 180," Spicer said.

Going further on the completely different theme, Spicer announced that the president has signed an executive order establishing the “Bureau of Now For Something Completely Different,” to be headed by Eric Idle and Michael Palin, formerly of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

It is rumored, but not confirmed, that the president is also contemplating the formation of the “Ministry of Silly Walks” as evidenced by the fact that the newest White House tour guide, former Python John Cleese, now starts every tour with the phrase, “Walk this way.”  

Bornstein: Not schizophrenia but Breitbann Withdrawal Syndrome (BbWS)

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Trump’s dramatic policy shifts cause concern about schizophrenia

  

Kushner brings in specialist, Dr. Bornstein, for emergency diagnosis

E.J. Dionne of the Washington Post says “Trump’s weather-vane presidency gyrates wildly with the winds.” But some administration officials are becoming concerned that President Donald Trump is displaying classic symptoms of schizophrenia.

With 180-degree policy shifts occurring at a breathtaking pace, advisors are beginning to refer to the president as “The New Donald” and “The Old Donald” and are at a loss as to what to do.

The following details some recent examples of complete turn-a-rounds in Trump’s public policy statements:

NATO

The New Donald (April 12): “It was once obsolete; it is no longer obsolete. I complained about that a long time ago, and they made a change — and now they do fight terrorism.”

The Old Donald (March 22 – AKA “a long time ago”): Nato is “obsolete, because it doesn’t cover terrorism.”

China

The New Donald (April 11): “They (China) are not currency manipulators.”

The Old Donald (As a candidate): I will "label China a currency manipulator on my first day in office,” and on April 6 "China is the world champion of currency manipulation."

Fed Chairman Janet Yellen

The New Donald (April 12): Responding to a question whether Janet Yellen will be gone when her term expires, “No, I like her. I respect her. It’s very early.”

The Old Donald (As a candidate): “Janet Yellen should be ashamed of what she is doing to ruin the country. She’s keeping interest rates low to help Hillary Clinton win.”

Interest Rates

The New Donald (April 12): “I do like a low-interest-rate policy, I must be honest with you.”

The Old Donald (As a candidate): “Low rates might be creating a bubble where you go into a very massive recession.”

The U.S. Military

The New Donald (April 12): “It (the military) is so incredible. It's brilliant. It's genius. Our technology, our equipment, is better than anybody by a factor of five. In terms of technology, nobody can even come close to competing.”

The Old Donald (As a candidate): “We're going to rebuild out military. Our military is in shambles!”

According to sources inside the White House, the situation is so out of control that Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, after being told by first daughter Ivanka that she's very unhappy with this "New/Old Donald thing," is taking time out from some of his other responsibilities (which include Mid-East peace envoy, special envoy to Iraq, head of the White House Office of American Innovation, solving America’s opioid epidemic, reforming the VA, reforming the criminal justice system and the primary point of contact for presidents, ministers and ambassadors from more than two dozen countries including, importantly, Mexico and China) to solve the president’s blowing in the wind policy problem.

In that regard, Around the Block has learned exclusively that Kushner has brought in Mr. Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, who during the campaign proclaimed that Trump would be the “healthiest man ever elected to be president” to diagnose the president.

Based on his preliminary examination, Bornstein has indicated that although Trump shows all the signs of schizophrenia, which involves a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior, leading to faulty perception, inappropriate actions and feelings, withdrawal from reality and personal relationships into fantasy and delusion, and a sense of mental fragmentation, he is actually suffering from the far less common disorder known as Breitbann Withdrawal Syndrome (BbWS) in which a person with no convictions, values, principles or beliefs can regain some rational opinions, thought and behavior when certain stimuli are removed from his presence.

According to Dr. Bornstein, one never fully recovers from BbWS. “I told Jared, that to keep BbWS, and its sister disorder, IjWS (Ivjar Withdrawal Syndrome) under control, you’ll have to monitor who is in the room with the president at all times in order to ensure consistent stimuli, or get ready for a ‘follow the bouncing ball’ presidency.”

Senate goes "nuclear" fulfilling Trump's campaign promise

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Senate Republicans go nuclear; pave the way for Gorsuch confirmation to Supreme Court

Trump sends congratulatory tweets — "all cards on table"

**BREAKING NEWS**

Senate Republicans successfully voted to change the rules of the U.S. Senate on Thursday and confirm U.S. Supreme Court nominees with a simple majority vote.

In deploying the so-called nuclear option, lawmakers are fundamentally altering the way the Senate operates — a sign of the body’s creeping rancor in recent years after decades of at least relative bipartisanship on Supreme Court matters.

In tweets, President Trump applauded the Senate action saying that the Senate is following through on his campaign promise that all options will be on the table when he becomes president.