Satire from Ted Block
AROUND THE BLOCK
News
with a Twist
Times: “Under Trump, Coal
Mining
Gets New Life on U.S.
Lands”
New life as well for steam
locomotives, wood-burning fireplaces, CRT TVs, typewriters, telegraphs...
The New York Times reported that the
Trump administration is encouraging more coal mining on lands owned by the
federal government. It is part of an aggressive push to both invigorate the
struggling American coal industry and more broadly exploit commercial
opportunities on public lands.
In a statement, White House press
secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Mining for more and more coal is a key
component of the president’s goal of creating jobs and making America great again. Digging coal
out of anywhere we find it, even if it’s on public, protected lands is the way to do it. Let me
quote the president exactly:
‘I’m committed to coal, the coal industry and, in
fact, all fossil fuels, let me tell you. My supporters in the coal industry, my
Interior secretary, my Labor secretary, and even my Education secretary, the incredibly qualified Betsy
DeVos, who, by the way, is mandating that all schools be required to dedicate one full day a week debunking the climate change Chinese hoax, tell me that this new
initiative will generate 200,000 new jobs this year alone, and 1,000,000 new
jobs by 2020, believe me. With just this one action, I'll be the greatest job creator ever, let me tell you.'”
- Added benefit: mining more coal will reduce the
cost of coal tar therapeutic shampoo, making it more accessible to Americans
who are suffering from the country’s most devastating epidemic, the shedding of
dead skin cells from the scalp (more commonly known as dandruff).
(Note: Regarding,
“Let me tell you/believe me,” at the end of 2016 the coal industry employed
approximately 50,000 miners. U.S. employment in coal mining peaked in 1923,
when there were 863,000 coal miners. Of course that was also a time when trains
were powered by steam locomotives.)
Speaking of steam locomotives, Around
the Block has learned that Trump has several other plans designed to prop up
industries he believes will not only boost the economy, but bring America back
to its rightful place as the world’s greatest country, like it was in 1923.
According to White House insiders, here’s what’s on tap:
Steam locomotion: To ensure a market for all the new coal to be mined, there will
be huuuuge tax breaks to any commuter railroad that converts from electric
locomotion to coal-fired steam locomotives.
- Added benefit – more dry cleaning
jobs as the need to clean soot and coal dust off commuters’ clothes skyrockets.
Wood burning stoves: With forestry industry jobs also in decline, incentives will be available
for home owners and new home builders who convert home heating
systems from natural gas furnaces to fireplaces and wood burning stoves. The
administration expects 75,000 new forestry jobs as a result of this initiative.
- Added benefit: The Justice Department will need to hire 100s of additional
lawyers as Attorney General Jeff Sessions brings law suits against all states with wood burning restrictions stemming from programs like spare the air.
Tubed TVs: As
foreign-made flat screen LCD TVs have become the standard in American homes,
the president, longing to recreate his 50’s upbringing when America was great and white, TVs were furniture, walls were for hanging pictures of the family patriarch and people like Bernie Sanders were either blacklisted or in jail ("couldn't happen to a better guy, let me tell you"), will make a one-time
$1-billion payment to any cathode ray tube manufacturer who will begin
manufacturing tubed TVs in the U.S. Acme Electronics, the last remaining CRT
manufacturer in the country, said that it was thrilled by the offer and would begin hiring 35,000 non-union workers in a state with no minimum wage laws as soon as the check cleared.
- Added benefit:
Tubed TVs are best paired with rabbit ear antennas; reinvigorating the rabbit
ear antenna industry will generate 25,000 new jobs, according to the
administration.
(Note: Around the Block contacted Acme, curious as to why they're still in the CRT business. An executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told us, "Look, we stayed around because we bet one day, there'd be a U.S. president who'd make a sweet deal like this. Run the numbers – we can hire all these people, pay minimum wage, never make a TV and close the plant after a year, Trump gets his 'win', we pocket a cool $600 million and a year from now, no one will remember. The 'Art of the Deal'? This is the 'Art of the Steal!')
Typewriters: While the White House has tried to reach out to Smith-Corona, Remington, Royal
and Underwood, all former mainstays of the typewriter industry, the fact is that all are
apparently out of business. Undaunted and determined to bring typewriter
manufacturing jobs back to the U.S., administration sources have said that the
president has created the “Make America Great Again – Typewriter Jobs
Initiative" which will report on the number of newly created jobs very, very soon.
- Added benefit: The president has assigned his other daughter,
Tiffany, to run this initiative. Said one spokesman, “The president keeps
looking for something meaningful for Tiffany; trying to find a typewriter company will certainly keep her busy for
the next three years. And look, hiring her creates at least one new job”
Telegraphs: The president is aware that the
telegraph will never replace more modern forms of communication like Twitter; he knows the telegraph business is longer gone than typewriters. But he has convinced AT&T
(formerly American Telephone & Telegraph) to go back to their old name –
with one significant revision: going forward the name will be American
Telegraph & Telephone. With about 250,000 American Telegraph & Telephone
employees and thousands of trucks and signs across the country, this name
change will generate, the White House estimates, 15,000 new jobs creating business
cards, signage and other company identifications.
- Added benefit: 5,000 additional forestry jobs because wood is needed to make the paper that makes all those new business cards.
(Note: There is an added benefit to this added benefit because neither the president nor Education Secretary DeVos were aware of the relationship between wood and paper. In fact, Ms. DeVos, after seeing the following diagram said, "I guess if you HAVE to, you learn something every day. I just don't want people to make a habit of it."
