Trump: more coal mining, reviving great American industries, more job creation than anyone, ever!

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Times: “Under Trump, Coal Mining

Gets New Life on U.S. Lands”

New life as well for steam locomotives, wood-burning fireplaces, CRT TVs, typewriters, telegraphs...

The New York Times reported that the Trump administration is encouraging more coal mining on lands owned by the federal government. It is part of an aggressive push to both invigorate the struggling American coal industry and more broadly exploit commercial opportunities on public lands.

In a statement, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Mining for more and more coal is a key component of the president’s goal of creating jobs and making America great again. Digging coal out of anywhere we find it, even if it’s on public, protected lands is the way to do it. Let me quote the president exactly: 

‘I’m committed to coal, the coal industry and, in fact, all fossil fuels, let me tell you. My supporters in the coal industry, my Interior secretary, my Labor secretary, and even my Education secretary, the incredibly qualified Betsy DeVos, who, by the way, is mandating that all schools be required to dedicate one full day a week debunking the climate change Chinese hoax, tell me that this new initiative will generate 200,000 new jobs this year alone, and 1,000,000 new jobs by 2020, believe me. With just this one action, I'll be the greatest job creator ever, let me tell you.'” 

• Added benefit: mining more coal will reduce the cost of coal tar therapeutic shampoo, making it more accessible to Americans who are suffering from the country’s most devastating epidemic, the shedding of dead skin cells from the scalp (more commonly known as dandruff).

(Note: Regarding, “Let me tell you/believe me,” at the end of 2016 the coal industry employed approximately 50,000 miners. U.S. employment in coal mining peaked in 1923, when there were 863,000 coal miners. Of course that was also a time when trains were powered by steam locomotives.)

  
Speaking of steam locomotives, Around the Block has learned that Trump has several other plans designed to prop up industries he believes will not only boost the economy, but bring America back to its rightful place as the world’s greatest country, like it was in 1923. According to White House insiders, here’s what’s on tap:

Steam locomotion: To ensure a market for all the new coal to be mined, there will be huuuuge tax breaks to any commuter railroad that converts from electric locomotion to coal-fired steam locomotives. 

• Added benefit – more dry cleaning jobs as the need to clean soot and coal dust off commuters’ clothes skyrockets.

Wood burning stoves: With forestry industry jobs also in decline, incentives will be available for home owners and new home builders who convert home heating systems from natural gas furnaces to fireplaces and wood burning stoves. The administration expects 75,000 new forestry jobs as a result of this initiative. 

• Added benefit: The Justice Department will need to hire 100s of additional lawyers as Attorney General Jeff Sessions brings law suits against all states with wood burning restrictions stemming from programs like spare the air.

Tubed TVs: As foreign-made flat screen LCD TVs have become the standard in American homes, the president, longing to recreate his 50’s upbringing when America was great and white, TVs were furniture, walls were for hanging pictures of the family patriarch and people like Bernie Sanders were either blacklisted or in jail ("couldn't happen to a better guy, let me tell you"), will make a one-time $1-billion payment to any cathode ray tube manufacturer who will begin manufacturing tubed TVs in the U.S. Acme Electronics, the last remaining CRT manufacturer in the country, said that it was thrilled by the offer and would begin hiring 35,000 non-union workers in a state with no minimum wage laws as soon as the check cleared.

• Added benefit: Tubed TVs are best paired with rabbit ear antennas; reinvigorating the rabbit ear antenna industry will generate 25,000 new jobs, according to the administration.

(Note: Around the Block contacted Acme, curious as to why they're still in the CRT business. An executive, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told us, "Look, we stayed around because we bet one day, there'd be a U.S. president who'd make a sweet deal like this. Run the numbers – we can hire all these people, pay minimum wage, never make a TV and close the plant after a year, Trump gets his 'win', we pocket a cool $600 million and a year from now, no one will remember. The 'Art of the Deal'? This is the 'Art of the Steal!')

Typewriters: While the White House has tried to reach out to Smith-Corona, Remington, Royal and Underwood, all former mainstays of the typewriter industry, the fact is that all are apparently out of business. Undaunted and determined to bring typewriter manufacturing jobs back to the U.S., administration sources have said that the president has created the “Make America Great Again – Typewriter Jobs Initiative" which will report on the number of newly created jobs very, very soon.

• Added benefit: The president has assigned his other daughter, Tiffany, to run this initiative. Said one spokesman, “The president keeps looking for something meaningful for Tiffany; trying to find a typewriter company will certainly keep her busy for the next three years. And look, hiring her creates at least one new job”

Telegraphs: The president is aware that the telegraph will never replace more modern forms of communication like Twitter; he knows the telegraph business is longer gone than typewriters. But he has convinced AT&T (formerly American Telephone & Telegraph) to go back to their old name – with one significant revision: going forward the name will be American Telegraph & Telephone. With about 250,000 American Telegraph & Telephone employees and thousands of trucks and signs across the country, this name change will generate, the White House estimates, 15,000 new jobs creating business cards, signage and other company identifications. 

• Added benefit: 5,000 additional forestry jobs because wood is needed to make the paper that makes all those new business cards. 

(Note: There is an added benefit to this added benefit because neither the president nor Education Secretary DeVos were aware of the relationship between wood and paper. In fact, Ms. DeVos, after seeing the following diagram said, "I guess if you HAVE to, you learn something every day. I just don't want people to make a habit of it."