House wants Trump to wear lie detector; Kellyanne Too!

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist 

House Oversight Committee introduces bill requiring Trump to wear lie detector

Lies to be tracked in real-time, broadcast on news networks

Note: Image shown is prototype for illustrative purposes only. Actual portable device in development.

In an unprecedented move, the chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD) has introduced a bill to require that President Donald Trump wear a lie detector in “every public appearance, in all Oval Office discussions with the press, during South Lawn press gaggles and in any and all venues where there is a possibility that the President might lie.” In other words, according to Congressman Cummings, “whenever and wherever the President speaks.”

In a statement, Cummings said, “According to the Washington Post, President Trump has made 12,019 false or misleading claims – what actual people call lies – over 928 days. And the lies are increasing at an alarming rate. Look at Sharpiegate. It is high time that Congress assert its oversight responsibilities and devise a system that will unequivocally call out these lies as they occur in real-time.”

The bill calls for the President to be fitted with a newly developed portable lie detector machine full-time. In order to protect national security, the machine will only be activated during public appearances. And for full transparency, a real-time lie detector read-out of the President’s statements at these appearances will appear, as he speaks, on a screen inserted on the upper left corner of the cable news networks’ coverage of the appearances (as shown below). 

According to Cummings, CNN and MSNBC have agreed to include the screen in their coverage. A spokeswoman for Fox News, Blondie Blair, has indicated that this move is outrageous and a definite infringement on some Constitutional right and, as such, Fox will not air the lie detector screen under any circumstances. When asked which Constitutional right this bill would infringe on, Blair said, “I’m not sure which right but I’m sure there is one. What do you think I am, anyway, a legal scholar? I was only hired because my name matched my hair color and Roger, may he rest in peace, thought that was cute.”

The White House was quick to respond. Senior presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters, “This bill is a travesty and Congressman Cummings should go back to his rat-invested residence in dangerous Baltimore. It is an affront to President Trump and the American people who support him. We all know that the President hasn’t and won’t ever, tell a lie.

In response to Conway's comments, Cummings immediately amended the bill adding the requirement that Conway be fitted with the full-time lie detector device as well. 

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has already indicated that he will not bring Cummings' bill to a vote in the Senate saying, "I never, ever, will bring a bill to floor that the President won't support and he told me directly that he won't sign this bill." As he was making his statement, McConnell stepped back, looking dazed, as if he was having an epiphany. "Hey, wait a minute, what if he was lying and he really will sign this bill?" After about 30 seconds, the leader snapped back into full Mitch mode saying, "Nope, won't come to the floor."