Romney won't endorse Trump. Why? Could be the rare gene he's carrying.

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Mitt Romney says he isn’t going to endorse Trump or anyone else for president in 2020

Former GOP standard-bearer might be suffering from rare affliction

The Salt Lake Tribune¹ reported that Mitt Romney, Utah’s junior Senator² and former Massachusetts governor and GOP candidate for president declared, in a CNN interview, that, “I’m not planning on endorsing in the presidential race. At this stage, I’m not planning on endorsing in the primary or in the general.”

(¹ATB generally references “NY Times” or “Washington Post" reports but, given Romney’s current lack of consequence, those papers only report about Romney in the “Social Events” sections of the papers which ATB generally does not read)

(²Font size reflects Romney’s current political stature and influence)

To learn more about Romney’s decision, we reached out to Around the Block’s Salt Lake City bureau chief, Brigham Smith-Young-Kim Jong Young-Udall-Romney-Young-Smith³

(3 Brigham Smith-Young…whom we call “Brighie” for obvious reasons, uses the traditional Mormon naming convention in which the child of one wife takes on the surnnames of all the other sister wives as a token of respect. In Brighie’s case, one of his father’s wives was Kim Jong Young, a Korean Mormon. It is little-known, but the reason there are so many people with the surname “Young” in Korea is the result of a massive effort by very straight looking young men in white shirts and skinny black ties invading Korea after the war proselytizing Koreans youths. Thousands of converts changed their names to “Young” during that period. But because of Korean naming conventions, were also able to keep their more traditional “Kim,” “Park,” and “Lee” names as well.) 

But we digress. On to our discussion with Brighie.

ATB: What was the impetus for Romney’s decision. Is this just the Mormon thing to do?

Brighie: Well as you know, Mr. Block⁴, Mitt Romney is very cautious about criticizing President Trump. The feeling here is that he’s still pining for the Secretary of State position and is waiting patiently for the current toady holding the position, Mike Pompeo, to disagree with Trump and get fired in a tweet. That would open the door for Mitt to be hired by Trump in a tweet: Trump still maintains that Romney is the “only person in America who actually looks like a secretary of state should look.”

(⁴Brighie, as are most Mormons, is very formal with his “elders.”)

ATB: And that’s it?

Brighie: Well, there’s actually one more thing going on here that I can report on exclusively. But first, Mr. Block, I want to make a technical correction. You’ve got to stop calling us “Mormons.” We should be referred to only as, “Followers of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

ATB: Wow, that’s quite a mouthful. By my quick count that’s eight words, 11 syllables and one hyphen. For columns like ATB that will take up a lot of space; and it’s just ripe for typos. Why the change?

Brighie: Church president, Russell M. Nelson, proclaimed last year, “The Lord has impressed upon my mind the importance of the name He has revealed for His Church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We have work before us to bring ourselves in harmony with His will.” 

ATB: You’ve got to be kidding!

Brighie: Don’t ask. But now to the really important news. I’ve learned exclusively, through sources close to Ann Romney, that a yellow streak is forming down the middle of Mitt’s back under his magic Mormon (sorry for the improper use; running out of space) undershirt. No one knows what it is or what’s causing it.

ATB: Thanks, Brighie, we'll follow up.

And follow up we did, immediately investigating this mysterious, perhaps magical yellow streak on Mitt Romney’s back. So, we went to our go-to person on these kinds of matters, the renowned orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Basil B. Rathbone⁵.

(⁵The “B” stands for “Basil.” As Dr. Rathbone explains it, his mother was so in love with pesto pasta she named her son Basil Basil in an homage to the dish. Constantly bullied in school, Basil Basil began telling people the “B” stood for “Boney.” And thus, his career as an orthopedic surgeon was born – true story)

“Boney” immediately knew what Romney was afflicted with. “This is not my specialty, because it doesn’t involve any cutting of bones, but I’ve run into this once or twice before. Romney is suffering from Obsequious-Servile-Unctious-Fawning-Ingratiating-Sycophantic Syndrome, a genetic disorder otherwise knows an “OSUFISS.”

“People with OSUFISS basically spend their entire lives unable to take a critical position on anyone important, particularly someone whom they feel can advance them. After many years of this obsequious-style behavior a yellow stripe begins to form down the back of the afflicted person, mirroring the backbone or spine. After about a month, the yellow stripe begins to fade, eventually completely disappearing. At this point, the patient has reached the point of no return and is effectively rendered spineless or without a backbone.”

“However, if before the yellow stripe completely disappears, the patient begins to publicly and forcefully disavow his positions and begins to criticize the individual in question, in other words, stop being a toady, the yellow strip will disappear immediately and the backbone will be saved.”

With that diagnosis in mind, I contacted ATB’s White House correspondent, Dan I.D. Ratherbe (as in “I’d rather be covering anything other than the Trump White House”) for his take on the matter.

“Ted⁶, despite the Romney family’s attempt to keep Mitt’s syndrome a secret, the White House has learned of his affliction and does not feel it is fake news. We can confidently and exclusively report that Ivanka Trump has issued a directive that all future administration hires will be tested for the OSUFISS gene and only those who have the syndrome or test positive for potentially acquiring OSUFISS will be offered jobs. We are still trying to uncover whether all current administration hires are being screened for the OSUFISS gene and whether those without the gene will be immediately fired (by tweet).

(⁶ Ratherbe is not a Follower of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and, as such, is completely informal with his elders.)