Breaking Twisted News: Giuliani, Fox agree to Rudy producing/starring in TV shows and feature film

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

**Breaking Twisted News** 

Giuliani signs BLOCKBUSTER deal with Fox 

Agreement includes 2 TV shows; 1 feature film

Around the Block has learned exclusively that the Fox Corporation, the Murdoch controlled owner of Fox TV and the Fox News Network, has signed Rudy Giuliani, the former mayor of New York, President Trump’s private attorney and America’s TV lawyer, to a blockbuster deal that will have “America’s Mayor” executive produce and star in two Fox-produced TV shows and one feature film.

The TV shows will be called Where in the World is Rudy Giuliani which will air on the Fox Network and America's Lawyer Yells and Screams to be carried by the Fox News Channel.

Where in The World is Rudy Giuliani – a weekly Fox Network series which will follow Rudy as he travels the world visiting dictatorships and other countries where the rule of law has been abandoned. Each episode will feature Giuliani meeting with leaders, laughing and sharing  autocrat jokes ("did you hear the one about Stalin walking into a bar with a rabbi and a priest..."). The show will always end with a fade to black as Rudy enters the White House after the trip. Initial venues will include Ukraine (Ukraine will be aired in five separate segments), Kazakhstan, Belarus, Hungary and, of course, Russia. We understand when Rudy visits Russia he will not meet with Russian leader Vladimir Putin (at least not in the open). 

America’s Lawyer Yells and Screams – a daily primetime Fox News Channel talk/interview show in which a rotating panel of commentators from CNN and MSNBC, as well as Fox’s own Chris Wallace, will be grilled by Rudy who will yell and scream at them before they have a chance to answer his questions. The show’s format will feature a final 10-minute segment in which Rudy (by that part of the show Rudy will be so confused and demented that he will have to rest) will turn the show over to co-hosts who will continue to shout at and otherwise try to demean the panel. We've learned that Rudy has already lined up Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Jennine Pirro and Laura Ingraham as co-hosts.

The feature film, This Was Us, will be produced by Fox Searchlight.* 

This Was Us – a future, fantasy, dramady, will jump forward to 2024 to tell the story of Rudy and Donald Trump, three years into their sentences in federal prison, commiserating about their lives in politics and how their trials and convictions, as well as Trump’s impeachment and removal from office, were witch hunts, run by bad people who treated them both very badly. While full, final casting has not been announced, ATB has learned that Rudy will play himself while Alec Baldwin will play Trump, Steve Martin will play both Mike Pence and Joe Biden, Larry David will be Bernie Sanders, Kate McKinnon will play Crooked Hillary Clinton, Sacha Baron Cohen will be Adam Schiff,  Jeff Garlin will be Jerry Nadler and legendary Native American actress, Sacheen Littlefeather, will play Elizabeth Warren.

Terms of the agreement have not been announced as Giuliani believes that would suggest a quid pro quo and, as a lawyer, he understands the dangers of getting involved in “quid” and “pro” as well as “quo.” 

Our sources have told us however, that Giuliani's payment will be in a combination of Russian rubles (₽) and Ukrainian hryvnia (₴).

*Fox Searchlight and other former 21st Century Fox assets were recently sold to the Walt Disney Company. As part of that deal Fox retained the right to produce one film after the sale. Apparently, Murdoch being Murdoch, This Was Us is that film.

Trump, Modi and Elizabeth Warren – Indians: Dots or Feathers

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Call to Ukrainian President not the only one; earlier that week Trump also called Indian PM Modi

Trump covering all bases – wants dirt on “Pocahontas” Warren 

In a stunning revelation, Around the Block has learned that days before President Trump’s call to Ukrainian President Zelensky seeking dirt on potential Democratic candidate for president, former Vice President Joe Biden, he also reached out to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi for dirt on another potential rival, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Around the Block obtained the "rough transcript" of the call and can exclusively report what Trump and Modi discussed.

Trump: You know I might be running against this woman, Elizabeth Warren, you know, the one I call “Pocahontas.” She claims she’s an Indian, which is why I call her Pocahontas. So I thought you might do me a favor and get some bad information, what we call dirt, from some of your fellow Indians that I can use against her if she’s my opponent. I’m going to ask that Ukraine idiot Zelensky for dirt on Sleepy Joe Biden as well…got to cover all my bases. And, you know, I’m open to sending you more military equipment that you can use against those awful Muslims in Pakistan if you could help me with this one little favor.

Modi: Mr. President, you know how highly I regard you. You are the greatest world leader in recent history, maybe of all time, and perhaps the smartest person I know. My people even tell me that you know words, that you have the best words. And I want to remind you that the last two times I visited the United States I stayed at the Trump Tower in New York and the Trump International Hotel in Washington. And, make no mistake, if I played golf, I’d play at Turnberry in Scotland and Trump International Golf Club at Doonbeg in Ireland. By the way, your underling, Mike Pence, told me that Doonbeg was a little out of the way but it was like staying in heaven. And, I'm sure if anyone knows about heaven, it's Mike Pence. But here’s the thing. I think the kind of Indian you’re talking about is a “Native American” which some ignorant Americans refer to as “Indians.” Those Native Americans are not the same as the Indians who live in my country. Given that, I regret to say, I can’t help you. 

Trump: Great one about Pence, Narendra. What a boot licker Pence is. I'm thinking about dumping him in 2020. But, I digress. Now I get it about Indians. You people are “dots” and Pocahontas is a feather. I love the Indian people, but I’m always getting that mixed up.

 But never mind about that, how about this? I’ll send that additional military aid I mentioned if you agree to build a big, beautiful, new Trump International Hotel and Resort in New Delhi. You can use it for all visiting foreign diplomats and delegations. I'll even pay you a 10% commission on the bookings. And then you can host the 2021 G7 meeting there after I host the 2020 G7 at Trump National Doral in Miami.

Modi: Mr. President, sorry, I have another call waiting. Can I get back to you?

Trump: Don’t worry. I’ll have Rudy Giuliani, my personal attorney call you with the details. Rudy's a really good guy and a great lawyer. You know he was the mayor of New York, great mayor. And, Bill Barr, the U.S. attorney general, maybe the greatest AG of all time, and my personal government lawyer, will follow up with the legal docs. By the way one more thing: I know you have nuclear, and that's great. But let me tell you, I just learned that we have the greatest nuclear so let’s discuss nuclear on our next call. I want to know what we can do for you with nuclear and what you can do for me.

Modi: Mr. President, I really have to go. 

(Click - phone line goes dead) 

Pence and the 25th Amendment; (the) Ukraine and (The) Bronx

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Random thoughts on the “News of the Day”

In today’s Around the Block we’ll take a break from our conventional reporting and comment on current events other media outlets are not covering.

Vice President Pence working with aides on invoking 25th Amendment

Around the Block has learned that Vice President Pence is actively working on invoking the 25^th Amendment. As ATB readers know* the 25^th Amendment reads,

"Whenever the Vice President and a majority of either the principal officers of the executive departments or of such other body as Congress may by law provide, transmit to the President pro tempore of the Senate and the Speaker of the House of Representatives their written declaration that the President is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office, the Vice President shall immediately assume the powers and duties of the office as Acting President."

* You know, because I know, ATB readers are the most politically savvy, intelligent, Constitutionally up-to-speed readers of any journal in the world.

In order to get that majority, Pence is floating, in his own words, this justification:

“Anyone who hires Rudy Giuliani for anything, let alone as his personal attorney, is f'ing* out of his mind and should not only be removed because he can't discharge his duties, he should be immediately committed to a looney bin"

*f'ing is "freaking." This is Mike Pence, after all

(Note: ATB has learned that Vice President Pence has embargoed future media use of any and all photos of the Vice President looking fawningly at the President, similar to  the one used in this post, in order to lend additional credence to his 25^th amendment investigation.)

If Ukraine, Why Not Bronx?

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up, that place in Eastern Europe, then part of the Soviet Union, was called, Ukrainian SSR, or more popularly, the Ukraine. And since I grew up in New York City, I knew the names of the five boroughs, Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Staten Island and The Bronx.

When as kids we talked about the Ukraine in Hebrew School, recognizing that many of our ancestors escaped from that part of Eastern Europe, we would ask friends, “Did your grandparents come from Poland or the Ukraine? Or, “Were the pogroms in the Ukraine as bad as the ones in Russia?

But now, the country formerly known as the Ukraine is simply Ukraine. So, why are we still calling The Bronx, The Bronx. Shouldn’t it just be Bronx? Like, “Wasn’t it great when the Giants played in the Polo Grounds in Manhattan and the Yankees played in Yankee Stadium right across the river in Bronx?” Or, “Forget Little Italy, the best Italian food in the city is on Arthur Avenue in Bronx.”

People from “da Bronx” stand up for your rights. Bring Bronx up to modern standards. Drop the "The." Bronx! Bronx! Bronx!

(Full disclosure: Around the Block has no skin in this process as this reporter is a Brooklynite.*) 

 *People from Brooklyn are called “Brooklynites,” from Manhattan, “Manhattanites,” from Staten Island, “Staten Islanders,” from Bronx, “da Bronx.” But, people from Queens are just called “People from Queens.” Really? That's it? People from Queens, stop acting as second-class New Yorkers; get some respect and get a name. Think “Queensters;” modern, hip and totally great. “Queensters crushes it."

Brit Supreme Court (SCOTUK) slaps down Johnson; U.S. contemplates trade deal

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

Commentary

British high court rebukes PM BoJo; calls suspension of Parliament “unlawful”

U.S. Congress takes notice; Nadler: why can’t we have a court like that?

In a stunning rebuke, Britain’s highest court dealt a serious blow Tuesday to Prime Minister Boris Johnson. As reported by the Washington Post, the British Supreme Court (SCOTUK) ruled that “his controversial decision to suspend Parliament was unlawful,” and a “landmark judgment that will have immediate implications for Britain’s departure from the European Union.

The Post continued, “In one of the most high-profile cases to come before Britain’s Supreme Court, the 11 judges ruled unanimously that Johnson had attempted to stymie Parliament at a crucial moment in British history.”

The Post went on to report that “Brenda Hale, president of the Supreme Court, eviscerated the government’s case,” going on to report that Hale, “sitting in the high court, avoiding legal language and speaking clearly to the country, said that Johnson’s decision to suspend Parliament ‘was unlawful because it had the effect of frustrating or preventing the ability of Parliament to carry out its constitutional functions without reasonable justification.’

The Court’s decision had immediate repercussions in the United States.

Jerry Nadler (D-NY), Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee said, “Wait, what? The British Supreme Court voted 11-0 to rebuke Boris Johnson? You’ve got to be kidding me. Why can’t we have a court like that?

 “We can, sir” said one of Nadler’s most junior interns, Theodore Samuel “Teddy Ballgame” Williams IV, great-great grandson of the Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer, Ted Williams. "I have an idea. Even though my great-great grandfather Ted was never traded himself, he knew the importance of a great trade when he was managing the Senators. So, why don’t we do the baseball thing and make a trade. Trade two of our Supreme Court justices for two of theirs. I mean 11 to 0 – they certainly can trade two and still get the right stuff done.”

“Who should we trade?” Nadler asked.

“Definitely, Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh,” Williams replied.

“Well, get right on it and call Brenda Hale; this might be the answer to our prayers,” ordered Nadler.

After a few hours of negotiations, Williams came back with the news.

“Congressman, they’re absolutely willing to make a trade. But they really don’t want Thomas and they want money as well. I told her that we can do Kavanaugh and Gorsuch plus $1 million.”

“I really want Thomas out of here…but also getting rid of Gorsuch, who’s really a pain-in-the-butt and frankly an illegitimate justice, is a great idea,” Nadler said, going on, “how about this: three of theirs for Thomas, Kavanaugh, Gorsuch and $10 million?

“Sounds like a plan, I’ll make the proposal and get back to you,” said Williams.

Since that discussion, Around the Block has learned that while the American proposal has been put on the table and the Brits are mulling it over, there might be one hitch: there’s talk at the Old Bailey that they want to sweeten the deal by making us also take Brexit party leader and all-around pain in the neck, Nigel Farage. When news of this new wrinkle leaked, Nadler reportedly said, “That’s a deal breaker; we cannot have Nigel Farage and Donald Trump in this country at the same time; Fox will have a field day. Bottom line: the only way we'll do the Farage thing is if they take Mitch McConnell as well. Final offer."