Trump: "I want to buy Greenland;" Mnuchin working on proposal and a..NEW name

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Trump wants to buy Greenland

White House meeting convened to work out proposal

The Wall Street Journal reported on Thursday that Donald Trump has been asking aides about the possibility of the U.S. government purchasing Greenland, the world’s largest island, a puzzling fantasy that some in the White House have apparently thrown their support behind. The logic here—to the extent there is any—is that purchasing Greenland could give America a stronger presence in the strategically-important Arctic, but there’s no way that matters to Trump, who surely heard the word “largest” and was immediately gripped by visions of the territory emblazoned with his name in gold.

Reactions to the president’s desire was swift.

“We are open for business,” Greenland foreign minister Ane Lone Bagger told Reuters on Friday, “but we’re not for sale.”

“If he is truly contemplating this, then this is final proof that he has gone mad,” Danish People’s Party foreign affairs spokesman Soren Espersen said following the Journal’s report. “The thought of Denmark selling 50,000 citizens to the United States is completely ridiculous.”

“It must be an April Fool’s Day joke,” former Danish Prime Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen tweeted Thursday evening. “But totally out of [season]!”

“Oh, dear lord,” Rufus Gifford, the former U.S. ambassador to Denmark, tweeted Thursday. “As someone who loves Greenland, has been there 9 times to every corner and loves the people, this is a complete and total catastrophe.”

While the rest of the news media is trying to figure out how serious the president is about this idea, Around the Block is doing serious investigative journalism. 

We have learned, exclusively, that Trump, who is scheduled to make a state visit to Denmark in September, has asked his staff to develop a proposal he can present to the Danish prime minister, 

According to our sources, a top-level meeting was recently held in the White House Map Room where the president and aides discussed the issue.

Trump: I want to buy Greenland. I heard it’s the biggest island in the world and I think one of the best ways to make America great again is to own everything that is the biggest.

 Treasury Secretary Mnuchin: But Mr. President, Greenland is an autonomous Danish territory. We just can’t go out and buy it like a piece of property. 

 Trump: Steve, Steve, you’re such a schlemiel. Everything is for sale and everything has a price. Didn’t you read the Art of the Deal. If you didn’t, you’re FIRED! Jared is he a schlemiel or a schlimazel? It’s been so long since I insulted Crooked Hillary with Yiddish slurs, I forget. 

 First Son-in-Law Jared Kushner: He can be either, Dad. But in this case, I’d go with schlemiel, like your first instinct. Your first instincts are always the best, Dad. 

 Trump: Thanks Jared. You can go home now and wait for my call – I have a few other things you need to tell Bibi he has to do. 

 Acting White House Chief of Staff Mulvaney: Buying Greenland is a great idea boss. But we’ll need to give the American people some more reasons for the purchase. 

 Trump: OK, Mick – maybe you’re the schlimazel. I told you it’s the biggest and we have to own the biggest. But just think, we can build the BIGGEST golf course in the world. And look at the map. Look how high it is. You know the higher you are, the longer the drives. It will be an incredible course for all my duffer friends.  

 Mulvaney: Right, Mr. President. Forgive my ignorance. 

 Trump: But, we can’t start building for six years, until after I leave office. I don’t want "Little Pencil-Neck" Adam Schiff or "Fat-boy" Jerry Nadler accusing me of violating the Self-Immolation Clause.  

 Jared: It’s the Emolument Clause, Dad. 

 Trump: Didn’t I tell you to go home, Jared?   

Commerce Secretary Ross: I think it’s a great idea, Mr. President. And, with all due respect, after we buy it, why don’t we change the name like we did with the Virgin Islands after we bought them from Denmark. You know when Denmark owned them, they were called the Danish West Indies. And, I have the name: TRUMPLAND!   

Trump: I knew there was a reason I kept you around, Wilbur. Incredible idea. The most incredible, beautiful idea I’ve heard all day. Steve, work out the proposal. I want to open talks when I visit Denmark in September.  

 Mnuchin: OK, Mr. President, I just did a little back of the envelope noodling – 535 million acres at $1,000/acre (after all, it’s 75% ice) comes to about $535 billion, give or take. That’s a lot of money.   

Trump: It'll be a great buy. And you say it's 75% ice? Think about that. With our environmental policies, there'll probably be twice as much developable land in just a few years. It will be the deal of the century. Maybe of the millennium.   

Mnuchin: But it's still a lot of money. Where will we get the money? 

Trump: Steve, I can't believe you're my treasury secretary, you're such a  putz. We’ll take a mortgage. Don’t worry, Deutsche Bank will do anything for me. And after I browbeat that idiot Powell at the Fed a little more, the interest rate will be close to zero. And worse comes to worse, we’ll just divert the money from Medicaid, Food Stamps and all those other pansy social programs. And now that we won’t be paying benefits for those Mexican rapists and murderers, there’ll be money to spare. 

Mnuchin: I’m on it, Mr. President – And, we'll make sure Trumpland will be in displayed in Gold in every map!