In Epstein case, AG "Lower the Bar" rushes into action to solve case

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Jeffrey Epstein Dead in Suicide at Manhattan Jail, Officials Say

Appalled AG “Lower the Bar” Barr to go beyond conventional resources; will pick the world’s best criminal detectives to investigate

In breaking news this Saturday morning, Jeffrey Epstein was found dead of an apparent suicide at a Federal Manhattan jail.

Attorney General William P. “Lower the Bar” Barr said in a statement that he was “appalled” to learn of Epstein’s death in federal custody, which he said, “raises serious questions that must be answered.” He said that in addition to the FBI’s investigation, he had consulted with the Justice Department’s inspector general, whose office also would look into the incident.

But not looking to rely on what he considers a suspicious FBI or a potential politically-influenced DOJ IG’s office, Around the Block has exclusively learned that Barr, in an attempt to avoid any appearance of bias, is also assembling a team of the world’s best criminal detective minds to do an independent investigation of the incident.

A Barr insider has told Around the Block, on the condition of anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to speak, that Barr has called and received agreement from eight internationally renowned sleuths to become members of the special inquiry group (SIG) with each responding to the AG in their own inimitable way.  

Columbo – “Just one more thing, Mr. Barr.”

Dirty Harry – “Thanks, General Barr. You’ve made my day." 

Sherlock Holmes – “This is elementary, Mr. Barr" 

Hercule Poirot – “Mon ami, Monsieur Barr, the voices of the little gray cells have begun to sing to Poirot." 

Dick Tracy – “Hold on a minute while I find my 2-way decoder watch." 

Inspector Clouseau  – “Oui, this IZ Inspector Clouseau speaking on the pheaun. How ken I halp?" 

Jessica Fletcher – “I don’t want to alarm you, Mr. Barr, but something very sinister is going on.” 

Joe Friday – "Just the facts. Barr, just the facts."

But in the most important appointment, sources tell us that Barr, on the basis of this leaked :30 second telephone call, has chosen the greatest detective of them all, Maxwell Smart, to lead SIG.

Barr: Max, I need your help; I’d like you to lead a special investigative team I’m assembling.

Max: Sorry about that Chief, but only if I can bring Agent 99 along. 

Max: I asked you not to call me Chief. But if it’s Agent 99 you want, it’s Agent 99 you get. 

Max: Thanks, Chief. (In an apparent aside to Agent 99 after he had pushed the defective mute button on his Shoe Phone, "Would you believe he said yes?") 

Barr: I asked you not to call me Chief. And Max, I heard that…but I need you and 99 anyway. 

Max: OK, but don’t tell me I have to start tomorrow. 

Barr: You have to start tomorrow.

Max: I told you not to tell me that.