Satire from Ted Block
AROUND THE BLOCK
News with a Twist
Trump Has Been Sending Creepy Handwritten Notes to Justin Trudeau
The president has been using his Zodiac Killer–inspired method of communicating to conduct matters of U.S. diplomacy - including hand-written notes to Kim Jong Un
Vanity Fair reported today that before Donald Trump became president, he had a long history of tearing out pages from magazines (or printing out offending articles), scrawling some nonsense in Sharpie, and mailing it to the party he believed had wronged him. But while most people in his current position probably would have dropped the habit—which feels not dissimilar to a kidnapper’s M.O. of cutting and pasting letters that spell “If you ever want to see your dog again...”—this particular president has been using his Zodiac Killer–inspired method of communicating to conduct matters of U.S. diplomacy.
According to VF, Axios reports that back in May 2017, Trump tore off the cover of Businessweek—which featured a picture of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and the headline “The Anti-Trump”—and wrote, in silver Sharpie, something to the effect of “Looking good! Hope it’s not true!” In spite of the concerns of some staffers, who were stricken with the crazy notion this was an inappropriate way to communicate with a foreign leader, the White House then sent the missive to the Canadian Embassy in Washington, where the Canadian ambassador thought he was being pranked. Per Axios, he called the White House to check, and was sadly told that the note was real.
You can read the entire VF story here – https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2019/08/donald-trump-justin-trudeau-letters
As you know, Trump has also been corresponding with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un with hand-written notes. The last one, from Kim to Trump was characterized by the president as a “beautiful” letter.
Now, Around the Block has learned exclusively that Trump thought the Kim letter was so beautiful, he immediately sent a hand-written letter back to the Korean leader. And, through our inside source in the White House, Around the Block has obtained a copy of the Trump letter.*
*A full picture of the Trump letter to Kim is reproduced above and transcribed below. Due to technical difficulties, a full, readable copy could not be posted. If you require a copy of the original letter, please contact, Around the Block, PO Box 7777, Looneyville, Texas 75760
THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON
Dear Kim, (sorry, I know you call me Donald, but I never really understood whether your first name is Kim, or Jong or Un – so please accept my apologies ahead of time. I wanted to ask Jared (you remember Jared, – that tall skinny guy who is always lurking around my fantastically beautiful daughter, Ivanka – she is hot, you must admit) – but he was so busy fixing so many problems, I couldn’t find him.)
Your last letter to me was so beautiful. I really mean that. And I use that word with great pleasure. And believe me, I know pleasure -- did I ever tell you about Stormy Daniels? Maybe another time. As you know, I know lots of words, I have the best words. And beautiful is the best word to talk about your incredible, incredible letters to me. You have become my best pen-pal and I really love you for that! I mean sending me a beautiful 3-page letter is so fantastic because you know I never read anything more than 3 pages.
Thank you for telling me about all those short-range missile tests you held, after you held them. I take very seriously your apology for launching those rockets (remember when I used to call you Rocket Man – HaHaHa) I know some of the Democrat cry-babies here and some of my so-called allies in Europe and Asia were very upset. But don’t you worry one bit. I think they were great and if you don’t want to stop, just don’t. I love you no matter what you do and will back you all the way. You better believe it! You are a terrific guy and a really fantastic leader. Maybe the best leader, after me, in the world. Or maybe after me and Vlad. LOL
But given your fantastic, and I mean fantastic leadership, there is something really more important I need to talk to you about.
I read in the fake news here in America that you are not only your country’s supreme leader, you have taken on the responsibility as the one person who represents your country. Ivanka tells me that means you now have authority to be your country’s chief diplomat. That’s fantastic. You’re so lucky not have deal people like Tillerson and Pompeo and Kelly – well you know what I’m talking about. I mean the only guy around me I trust is that crazy John Bolton, but he hates you so much I have to almost tie him down so he doesn’t push the button that would obliterate your country!
Anyways, I'm so jealous of your new authority. When we meet next time, let’s make sure we talk about how you were able to get this done. I want to work with my aide Stephen Miller on this (he’s kind of a neo-Nazi, you know, but he’s fun to have around – what a sense of humor – must be his Jewish side) to see if we can do the same thing here.
In the meantime, stay well. Melania sends her love to Mrs. Kim (or is it Mrs. Jong, or Mrs. Un?).
See you on our next trip.
XOXOXOXO
Donald J.Trump
Our WH source has promised in the future to send any additional correspondence between the two regime leaders to Around the Block first because he doesn’t want these private discourses to “get into the hands of the fake news.”
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