HAPPY DAYS!!! Ivanka to produce, Jared to direct, the Mooch to be the Fonz

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Scaramucci fired…then hired for new sitcom role

Mooch will play the Fonz in Happy Days sequel

Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci, who lasted as the White House communications director for a mere 10 days, won’t be out of a job long.

Within hours of Scaramucci’s firing, Paramount Pictures announced that it would be developing a future time sequel of Happy Days, the ‘70’s sitcom that ran on ABC for 11 seasons, casting the Mooch in the role of Arthur "Fonzie"/"The Fonz" Fonzarelli, the high school dropout, biker and suave ladies' man, immortalized by Henry “Reverse Mortgage” Winkler.

A spokesman for Paramount, Ralph Malph (no relation to the Happy Days’ character, Ralph Malph), said “After all the successful Happy Days spin-offs, we’ve been playing with the idea of a Happy Days sequel for some time. When the Mooch became available, we knew we had to get this going.”

According to Malph, while the original Happy Days was set in Milwaukee, in the new version the Cunningham family, along with all their friends, has moved to Washington D.C.

No other firm casting has been announced, but Malph indicated that several other out of work or soon to be fired administration players have been approached including, Sean Spicer as Richie Cunningham, Reince Preibus as Potsie Weber, Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross and White House counselor Kellyanne Conway as Mr. Cunningham and Mrs. Cunningham, Sarah Huckabee Sanders as Joanie Cunningham and Rick Perry, secretary of... what's it called...as Al Delvecchio. And, in gratitude for his overwhelming support of candidate Trump during the campaign, Scott Baio, will recreate his role as Chachi Arcola.

Although not confirmed by Malph, Paramount and White House insiders have indicated that the new D.C. based Happy Days will be executive produced by Ivanka Trump with Jared Kushner, Ivanka’s husband, rumored to be coming on board as the director of the series. 

Although Kushner has no experience with TV directing, a West Wing source, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "It doesn’t matter as Jared has no experience with any of his other administration responsibilities which include negotiating peace in the Middle East, solving America’s opioid epidemic, diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, reforming the criminal justice system and reinventing the entire government. TV directing couldn't be that hard," going on to say, "And anyway, Jared is fine as long as he gets less than 25 emails a day.”

According to our source, Tiffany Trump, the president’s other daughter, will get an associate producer credit, receive a salary of $25,000 per episode, but have no responsibilities.

Kushner to testify: "I knew nothing, I know nothing"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Kushner to testify that he didn’t know what meeting with the Russian was about

“I never know the reason or prepare for any meetings,” says Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor

***BREAKING NEWS***

The New York Times reported today that President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, said on Monday that he had been unaware that a June 2016 meeting he attended at Trump Tower was set up in the hope that a Russian lawyer would provide the Trump campaign with damaging information about Hillary Clinton.
  
Mr. Kushner, who is to give his statement to the Senate Intelligence Committee on Monday, said he went to the meeting at the request of the president’s eldest son, Donald J. Trump Jr. Mr. Kushner said he did not read an email forwarded by the younger Mr. Trump saying that the Russian government was providing dirt about Mrs. Clinton as part of its effort to help the Trump campaign.

In an exclusive interview this morning on Fox and Friends Mr. Kushner said, “Throughout my very successful business career I’ve never once gone into a meeting knowing anything about it…the purpose, the agenda, nothing. I find that I’m at my best when I’m fresh and unencumbered by facts, or any knowledge for that matter.”

Fox and Friends anchor, Steve Doocy, responded, with a characteristic Doocy grin and chuckle saying, “Mr. Kushner, I agree with you 100%. I for one never prepare for this show and my interviews. And the results, you’d have to agree, speak for themselves.”

Doocy’s co-anchors Lucy (aka the interchangeable blonde with the short skirt) and “the other guy” then laughed heartily for 30 seconds before Doocy asked his next penetrating, yet uninformed question.

“Let me ask this, Mr. Kushner. Besides being married to the brilliant and beautiful and successful Ivanka Trump, you’re best known for your purchase of 666 Fifth Avenue at a price that, at the time, made the building the most expensive building ever sold in New York City. I guess you’re really proud of that,” Doocy asked.

(Note: New York real estate sources consider the Kushner purchase of 666 one of the worst deals in the history of New York real estate)

Kushner responded by saying “Look, I’m not here to talk about my real estate successes but to help the president make America great again in any way I can.”

Doocy ended the exchange by asking Kushner if he prepared for meetings for any of the other administration initiatives he is responsible for. 

(Note: Although Doocy didn’t know what those initiatives are they include, but are not limited to, negotiating peace in the Middle East, solving America’s opioid epidemic, diplomacy with Mexico and China, reforming care for veterans, reforming the criminal justice system and reinventing the entire U.S. government.)

Kushner replied, “I absolutely don’t prepare or study for any of this. Why do that when I’ve been so successful just winging it?”

Neither Doocy, Lucy or "the other guy" followed up with, “and being born into a rich family and marrying the daughter of another guy born into a rich family who is now President of the United States didn't help either, did it?”

Spicer/McCarthy out at WH/SNL, Scaramucci/? in at WH/SNL

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Spicer out, Scaramucci in at White House

Melissa McCarthy makes last-minute call to Spicer urging him to stay

(Note: Some readers may have noticed that Around the Block has not appeared in over two months. For those who have written or called asking “what’s up,” I apologize for the silence. For those who haven’t noticed, I apologize for now coming back and interrupting your day.

There are two reasons for my recent inactivity: Issues regarding my living conditions have taken up most of my time and energy (fire in my home's attic with enough smoke and structural damage to keep us out of the house until the late fall); and the fact that the real news recently has been so ridiculous there’s little call for any more  “twisting.” (Even my idol and inspiration, the New Yorker’s Andy Borowitz has been publishing fewer pieces – and my guess is he didn't have a house fire for an excuse).

But the Spicer situation is worthy of satire. And, a White House communications director named Tony “the Mooch” Scaramucci? Give me a break – this news called for a “twisted” return!

So now the return of News with a Twist

  
White House press secretary Sean Spicer resigned today after informing President Trump that appointing finance, entrepreneur and Trump friend Anthony Scaramucci as communications director would be a “terrible mistake.”

According to sources inside the White House (and yes, in this administration there are always sources inside the White House) Spicer was not the only one opposed to Scaramucci’s hiring. His deputy, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was as well. So, too, was chief of staff Reince Priebus and chief strategist Steve Bannon, who vocally opposed Trump’s decision.

However, Scaramucci prevailed after a reported 30-minute interview with Trump and White House special advisor and Trump senior daughter, Ivanka.

Now moving to the really important news, Around the Block has learned exclusively that Melissa McCarthy, who famously and hilariously plays Spicer on Saturday Night Live, put in a last-minute call to Spicer Thursday morning urging him not to quit.

According to White House sources who were surreptitiously listening in to the call (Note: White House sources have told Around the Block that 75% of White House sources secretly listen in to White House calls and/or conversations), McCarthy pleaded with Spicer to stay on. “This is the best gig I’ve ever had,” McCarthy told Spicer. “Everyone knows me and is talking about me. You’ve made me a Hollywood A-lister. You can’t leave.”

Spicer, apparently unmoved by McCarthy’s appeal responded, “Melissa, I’m sorry. You do a great me and I’ll always cherish your portrayal. But I’m a man of conviction and principle with upstanding moral rectitude and I just have to resign.”

Reports from our Hollywood sources tell us that after hanging up with Spicer, the distraught McCarthy immediately called Lorne Michaels, SNL executive producer, to pitch for the job of playing Scaramucci on future SNL episodes. “I can do Scaramucci,” McCarthy reportedly told Michaels. “After Spicer, I can do anybody.”

While Michaels complimented McCarthy on her broad range as a character actor and comic, he told her that he had already cast the role of Scaramucci, picking former Sopranos star Michael Imperioli, who famously played Tony Soprano’s nephew Christopher Moltisanti.

When McCarthy protested saying that Imperioli doesn’t have the right experience – “he’s not a comic and has never done live TV” – Michaels responded, “Well, Scaramucci has no communications or government experience, so I think we’re on solid ground here.”

"Prime the Pump" only one of many Trump idiomatic inventions

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Furor erupts over Trump alleged invention of “prime the pump”

Doubling down, Trump orders Spicer to distribute statement with many more Trump invented expressions

In a recent interview with the Economist magazine, President Trump vowed to pursue tax cuts even if they increase deficits, because “we have to prime the pump” — an expression he claimed to have invented. “I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good.”

The ensuing furor over his contention that he invented the phrase “prime the pump” took over several news cycles as pundits and average citizens alike derisively pointed out that the expression was first used in the late 1800s to explain the idea for pouring liquid into a pump to make it work, and more recently in the 1930s, in an economic sense, to signify government efforts to stimulate the economy – the context of the expression for which Trump said he invented.

Trump, not a person known to take derision easily, doubled down on his alleged idiomatic invention by ordering White House press spokesman Sean Spicer to distribute a statement, written by the President, which defends his “prime the pump” contention but also uses many other idiomatic expressions which he claims to have invented.

As Spicer handed out the statement, he informed the press corps that any expression printed in italics was one “invented by the president.”

Following is Trump’s statement:

“I understand the crooked media, particularly MSNBC, CNN and “Stupid” Paul Krugman of the New York Times are making hay over my saying that I invented the expression prime the pump. I’m not going to beat around the bush. But I am going to rain on their parade. Look, it’s not rocket science. When I say I did something, the crooked media is just going to have to bite the bullet, get their act together and call it a day.

To make a long story short, I’m not going to let them off the hook. And while I have been saving this for a rainy day, I am going to spill the beans right now – when it comes to the presidency, I am the best thing since sliced bread. This administration is cooking with gas and we’re going for the whole nine yards. But we will not bite off more than we can chew or do anything that costs an arm and a leg, unless it benefits rich people like me because, after all, birds of a feather stick together.

And to “Stupid” Paul Krugman in particular, I say this – when it comes to criticizing Donald J. Trump, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I wouldn’t give a penny for your thoughts. My advice to you: don’t quit your day job.