NOAA says Trump right about Dorian and Alabama; Sharpiegate over...but is it?

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist - Mea Culpa Edition

 NOAA backs Trump on Alabama hurricane forecast, rebukes Weather Service for contradicting him

Around the Block stands corrected; issues heartfelt apology

The Washington Post reported today that the National Weather Service has sided with President Trump over its own scientists in the ongoing controversy over whether Alabama was at risk of a direct hit from Hurricane Dorian.

The Post’s report said, in part, “In a statement released Friday afternoon, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) stated Alabama was in fact threatened by the storm at the time Trump tweeted Alabama would ‘most likely be hit (much) harder than anticipated.’”

And, in an unusual move, the statement also admonished its National Weather Service office in Birmingham, Ala., which had released a tweet contradicting Trump’s claim and stating, “Alabama will NOT see any impacts from #Dorian.”

NOAA’s statement did not comment on why the map Trump showed looked as it had been altered with a Sharpie.

Despite that somewhat critical omission, Around the Block stands corrected and apologizes for all the unfair and somewhat fake news it has been publishing regarding this particular incident.

In that regard, and to set the record completely straight, here is the actual NOAA Communications statement:

House wants Trump to wear lie detector; Kellyanne Too!

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist 

House Oversight Committee introduces bill requiring Trump to wear lie detector

Lies to be tracked in real-time, broadcast on news networks

Note: Image shown is prototype for illustrative purposes only. Actual portable device in development.

In an unprecedented move, the chairman of the House Oversight Committee, Congressman Elijah Cummings (D-MD) has introduced a bill to require that President Donald Trump wear a lie detector in “every public appearance, in all Oval Office discussions with the press, during South Lawn press gaggles and in any and all venues where there is a possibility that the President might lie.” In other words, according to Congressman Cummings, “whenever and wherever the President speaks.”

In a statement, Cummings said, “According to the Washington Post, President Trump has made 12,019 false or misleading claims – what actual people call lies – over 928 days. And the lies are increasing at an alarming rate. Look at Sharpiegate. It is high time that Congress assert its oversight responsibilities and devise a system that will unequivocally call out these lies as they occur in real-time.”

The bill calls for the President to be fitted with a newly developed portable lie detector machine full-time. In order to protect national security, the machine will only be activated during public appearances. And for full transparency, a real-time lie detector read-out of the President’s statements at these appearances will appear, as he speaks, on a screen inserted on the upper left corner of the cable news networks’ coverage of the appearances (as shown below). 

According to Cummings, CNN and MSNBC have agreed to include the screen in their coverage. A spokeswoman for Fox News, Blondie Blair, has indicated that this move is outrageous and a definite infringement on some Constitutional right and, as such, Fox will not air the lie detector screen under any circumstances. When asked which Constitutional right this bill would infringe on, Blair said, “I’m not sure which right but I’m sure there is one. What do you think I am, anyway, a legal scholar? I was only hired because my name matched my hair color and Roger, may he rest in peace, thought that was cute.”

The White House was quick to respond. Senior presidential advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters, “This bill is a travesty and Congressman Cummings should go back to his rat-invested residence in dangerous Baltimore. It is an affront to President Trump and the American people who support him. We all know that the President hasn’t and won’t ever, tell a lie.

In response to Conway's comments, Cummings immediately amended the bill adding the requirement that Conway be fitted with the full-time lie detector device as well. 

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has already indicated that he will not bring Cummings' bill to a vote in the Senate saying, "I never, ever, will bring a bill to floor that the President won't support and he told me directly that he won't sign this bill." As he was making his statement, McConnell stepped back, looking dazed, as if he was having an epiphany. "Hey, wait a minute, what if he was lying and he really will sign this bill?" After about 30 seconds, the leader snapped back into full Mitch mode saying, "Nope, won't come to the floor."

Sharpiegate: Who says we don't know how to "beat a dead horse?"

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist – Beat a dead horse edition

White House suppresses new altered hurricane map 

Image Photoshopped by wives of aides in attempt to save husbands’ reputations

Around the Block has learned exclusively that there is another photo of President Trump presenting his altered NOOA Hurricane map. This new photo, one that was obviously and rather crudely altered, was sent to the White House by the wives of the three aides sitting with Trump in the Oval Office when he presented his own obvious and crudely altered map, now known as the "Sharpiegate" map, in attempt to prove his “Alabama will be hit hard” claim. 

The wives Photoshopped this image and sent it to the White House in order to protect the identity and the reputation of their husbands, who in the original photo, appeared to be wholeheartedly supporting the president’s assertions. 

As one wife related to Around the Block, "The picture with my husband just sitting there looking like a toady is awful. I mean my kids went to school today and all their friends were taunting them with shouts like, 'your Dad's a sycophant.'" Another wife chimed in, "Well you must send your kids to a hooty-tooty school; my kids are being told that their dad's a 'brown-nosing, boot-licking, suck-up." The third wife was so distraught she simply weeped, saying, "If we don't protect our husbands, who will? I mean those flunkies don't have the backbone to stand up to that man."

Much to the wives' disappointment, the White House rejected their request to use their altered image. One of the wives reported to Around the Block that, “Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham told us, ‘What, are you kidding? We would never use an altered image in the Oval Office. It’s not the American way.’”

Undaunted, the wives turned to Around the Block, recognizing that ATB would be the only twisted news outlet who would publish their image and get it out in the public arena. 

As one of the wives said when they delivered the photo, “After all, Around the Block is really the only place left where news can get out 'Faster than a Speeding Bullet' and where 'Truth, Justice and the American Way reigns supreme.'"*

(*Courtesy: Superman, 1938)

If you're "Mad as Hell," write your Congressman

AROUND THE BLOCK

Dear Congresswoman Frankel

  

I live in the Florida’s 21^st Congressional district. My representative is Lois Frankel. As I “quoted” former President Obama in a News with a Twist post recently (Trump trashes Obama over a "certain section of Ukraine;" Obama strikes back!), “I’m mad as hell and I won’t take it anymore.” Well, neither can I. So I began writing to Ms. Frankel.

You might be interested in today’s letter.

September 5, 2019

Dear Representative Frankel,

I wrote to you on August 24.

In that letter I mentioned that I write a blog, "Around the Block;" some posts are straight commentary, others, sub-titled "News with a Twist," are satirical.

My letter quoted from my posts regarding President Trump’s Greenland/Denmark kerfuffle and his comments regarding Jews and disloyalty.

Yesterday "Around the Block" dealt with the president’s apparent altering an official weather map with a black sharpie – now popularly called “Sharpiegate.” To ensure my readers realized that what I wrote was not satire (i.e. "News with a Twist") I sub-headed it “Even I Can’t Make This Up!!!!”

I learned this morning that falsifying a National Weather Service forecast is a federal crime, which can result in a fine or imprisonment.

Forgive me, but if this is truly a federal offense, and if Mr. Trump ordered the map to be altered or, as some are suggesting given his fondness for black Sharpies, altered it himself, is this not a “high crime" or, at least, a "misdemeanor?”

This morning’s news is filled with stories about Mr. Trump’s usurping the authority of Congress’ control of federal expenditures by diverting $3.6 billion from the military budget to build his wall! How? By invoking his “emergency” powers. (Note: the definition of emergency is, "a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action.") Yes, that “emergency,” the one that has been with us for the 2-1/2 years of his presidency

Allow me to quote from my original letter to you: "this has gone too far; Congress has to act. Democratic Congressmen must be stronger and louder. Democratic Congressmen must shame their Republican colleagues to do something. We all know why they don't act: he gets them what they want and look the other way at his lies, his demeanor, his lack of thought and his policy by Twitter. But they must be pressured for once, finally, to have a conscience and think about the American people, not only their own, and their benefactors', self-interests.”

Congresswoman Frankel, what I didn’t address in my original letter was the question of impeachment. I understand that you currently do not support impeachment. And, I am aware of the arguments against impeachment: bad timing, no Senate removal resulting in the emboldenment of his base through Trump’s inevitable crowing of “witch-hunt” and “fake news.” (By the way, one argument for impeachment is that even if they don't vote to remove, GOP sycophantic senators would be forced to demonstrate their duplicity and cowardliness in front of an engaged, national TV audience.) 

Do we simply trust the voters to remove him, particularly given the intransigence of that base and all the roadblocks to a fair election: GOP voter suppression laws and intimidation; foreign intervention; voter apathy, particularly with people of color; a Democratic primary field that seems more intent on tearing each other down than tearing down Trump…?

We have reached a tipping point. As a member of Congress, you have the sworn duty of oversight of the Executive Branch of government. Has there ever been a more obvious or critical time to exercise that oversight in an aggressive and substantial way?

Sincerely,

Theodore Block

Trump uses the Most Magic of Magic Markers to support "Dorian will hit Alabama" claim

AROUND THE BLOCK

Even I can’t make this up!!!! 

Trump claimed Dorian could hit Alabama even after weather service refuted it

Displays Altered Hurricane Dorian Map Showing Alabama in Its Path

After incredibly, incredulously, unbelievably and extraordinarily inaccurately claiming that, “…in addition to Florida -- South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama, will most likely be hit much harder than anticipated," President Donald Trump showed a map of Hurricane Dorian's trajectory in the Oval Office on Wednesday afternoon that appeared to be an attempt to support his assertion that the storm would potentially affect a large section of Alabama.

"That was the original chart, and you see it was going to hit not only Florida but South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama" Trump claimed Wednesday during a briefing, while showing a National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration map with a black line encircling a portion of Alabama.

Trump claimed the map he presented today was the original forecast. 

But a similar image released by the White House last week did not include any impact on Alabama in its forecast. In fact, it is the exact same image without the black line.

Here is the original NOAA forecast map:

And here is the map Trump displayed today to support the "Dorian will hit Alabama much harder than anticipated."

In the image Trump showed today, there is an incongruous black line showing a track that includes Alabama. The black line over Alabama looks suspiciously like it was added with a magic marker.

As Jonathan Lemire of the Associated Press noted, “It is common knowledge that President Trump is very fond of using black magic markers. So, it is entirely plausible that he himself added the line over Alabama to substantiate his original claim.

"I know that Alabama was in the original forecast, they thought it would get a piece of it," Trump said later on Wednesday. "We have a better map ... in all cases Alabama was hit, if not lightly in some cases pretty hard. They gave it a 95 percent chance."

Asked about the discrepancies with the original map, Trump said: "I don't know. I don't know."

Readers of Around the Block are aware that I often alter, or Photoshop, images for satirical or comic effect. And, I’d be the first to acknowledge my efforts are often amateurish. But really, this is the President of the United States, for goodness sake. If he wanted to make something up couldn’t he have found someone in the White House press office to do a more professional mockup?

If you’re going to fake news, Mr. President, do it right!

Trump's true identity revealed - destroying the planet is in his genes! Can you say Ming?

Satire from Ted Block 

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Why is Trump set on destroying the planet?

We investigate so you will know – is Trump really Trump?

The New York Times reported the other day that President Trump has made eliminating federal environmental regulations a priority. 

A Times analysis, based on research from Harvard Law School, Columbia Law School and other sources, counts more than 80 environmental rules and regulations on the way out under Mr. Trump.

The latest Trump attack on the environment was the recent proposal to revoke Obama-era regulations on climate-changing methane leaks from many oil facilities, a move that environmental groups said was meant to renounce the agency's overall legal authority to regulate the gas in the fight against global warming.

What is particularly egregious about this particular rollback is that even some stalwarts of the the fossil fuel industry are against it. Royal Dutch Shell, for example, this year urged the administration to crack down — not ease up — on the emissions. 

So, what is Trump’s motivation for these moves? Why is he single-handedly attempting to destroy the Earth, the planet we live on? Is it simply to undo anything his hated predecessor, Barak Obama, advocated? Is he really that petty? (Well, yes, he is that petty.) But, before you sign on to any other theories for his insufferable actions against the planet, wait for this BlockBuster (sorry!) from Around the Block: "The Method Behind Trump’s Merciless Meanness Against Planet Earth." 

In an exclusive investigation, ATB delved into Trump’s family background and uncovered a stunning revelation. Conventional wisdom has it that the Trump family hails from Bobenheim am Berg, a village in the Palatinate, Germany, in the 18th century. Johann Trump, born in Bobenheim in 1789, moved to the nearby village of Kallstadt where his grandson, Friedrich Trump, the grandfather of Donald Trump, was born in 1869. (There is some debate regarding the family surname with some sources suggesting that the name was actually Drumpf and that Friedrich changed it to Trump after cheating opponents in a game of bridge. *) 

(*Partial Source: John Oiver)

Conventional wisdom is, unfortunately, conventional wisdom. And while the family history might be true, the provenance of Donald himself is not. 

For the real story, we had to go back to the 1930’s. At the time, the greatest American hero was not Babe Ruth or Charles Lindbergh or even Franklin Delano Roosevelt. It was Flash Gordon. And, the greatest threat to America, nay, the entire planet, was Flash Gordon’s mortal enemy Ming the Merciless, the ruthless tyrant, ruler of the planet Mongo.

Ming the Merciless

Now, Ming’s main objective was to make Mongo great again. He even fashioned MMGA hats to rally the Mongo people behind him. But the only way to fulfill his MMGA dream was to destroy the greatest impediment to making Mongo the best, the biggest, the most incredible planet in the universe: DESTROY THE PLANET EARTH! 

Ming, however, did not count on the strength, cunning, fortitude and socialist agenda of Flash Gordon. (Little known fact: At the time, many people on the right were convinced that Flash, although considered the greatest American hero, was not born in America. Ming actually led the campaign to discredit Flash’s “Americanism” by demanding to see his birth certificate.)

After many, many years, Ming’s efforts were thwarted by Flash, Ming was slayed, Americans everywhere chanted "Send them Back" and all Mongonians were sent back to planet Mongo which was then relegated to a universe far, far away.

But not before one catastrophic event occurred.

Ming’s wife, Mong, gave birth to a boy child who was secreted away to a strange place called Queens in the American city of New York, where he was raised by the malevolent real estate mogul Fred Trump. Trump raised the boy as if he was his own and named him Donald. But, as we now have learned, the child posing as Donald Trump was actually Ming the Merciless II. Twosie, as Mrs. Trump lovingly called adopted little Donald, had promised his father Ming the Merciless I (aka Onsie) that he would do all in his power to complete his father's goal of destroying planet Earth and Make Mongo Great Again. But first, Twosie had to attain power by tricking people into thinking that he wanted to Make America Great Again. Like his real dad, Twosie fashioned his own hats, MAGA, knowing these gullible people would believe him and wear his hats everywhere. And, once in power he could fulfill Onsie's dream to destroy planet Earth. And finally, in the year 2016, Twosie, posing as Donald Trump, attained the power to do so. 

And, he is doing so with fervor. And, that is all she wrote. And, if we don't do something soon the "Fat Lady" will sing. And then, it will indeed be over.

Ming the Merciless II (aka "Twosie," aka "Donald Trump"

And, with that, we close with the prescient, but updated words of the late, great Edward R. Murrow, "Good Night and Good Luck – With Twosie in power, you'll really need it!"