Trump: would have stormed into school without weapon

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Trump on Florida shooting: 'I'd run in there' even without gun
 

Huckabee “Colonel” Sanders: “What he said but not what he meant”

President Donald Trump said Monday he would have stormed into the Florida high school to stop the gunman perpetrating the nation's latest mass shooting "even if I didn't have a weapon" as he lambasted the inaction of a sheriff's deputy assigned to the school.

"You don't know until you test it, but I think, I really believe I'd run in there, even if I didn't have a weapon, and I think most of the people in this room would have done that too," Trump told a gathering of US governors at the White House.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee “Colonel” Sanders later said Trump was touting his willingness to be a leader, going on to say, "I don't think that was the point he was making...running into the room. He was saying that he would be a leader and would want to take a courageous action.”

When pressed by reporters that Trump specifically said that he would have run in there “even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Sanders said, “Look, I think you know by now that what the president says does not always reflect what he means. And, as you all are aware, my job is to take what he says and tell y’all what he meant to say…what his intention was.”

Sanders went on to say that the idea floating around Washington that after his “Man of Action/Superhero pronouncement,” Trump is being fitted for a specially designed Spanx-infused Superman outfit is fake news perpetrated by the failing mainstream media. Despite this denial, shares in Spanx rose 15% on the (fake) news.

Adelson embassy gift includes naming rights: "U.S. Embassy at the Sands"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Sheldon Adelson offers to pay for U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem

$500 million gift might include naming rights

Numerous news organizations have reported that the Trump administration is considering an offer from Republican mega-donor and casino magnate Sheldon Adelson to pay for at least part of a new U.S. embassy in Jerusalem.

According the Associated Press, Adelson offered to help fund the embassy back in December, around the same time Trump made his controversial announcement to move the embassy from Tel Aviv. Reports are that the billionaire is willing to contribute as much as $500 million for the construction of the new embassy.

In what hasn’t been widely reported, Around the Block has learned exclusively that the offer comes with some strings attached.

According to sources inside Adelson’s organization, Las Vegas Sands Corporation, Adelson has demanded that his company receive naming rights for the new embassy.

Our sources indicate Adelson is thinking about something like “The U.S. Embassy at the Sands” as the name. And while it is too early in the process for preliminary building plans, his staff did provide a very rough mock-up of what the building might look like.

It is not clear whether the consular area of the embassy will include a casino.

Trump to Israeli PM -- Tweet: "Witch Hunt," "Fake News," "No Collusion," then Fire AG

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Israeli Prosecutors Close to Charging Netanyahu with Corruption

Prime Minister reaches out to Trump for strategic advice

Israeli media has reported that one of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s closest confidants has turned state witness and will incriminate him in corruption allegations, the latest in a dizzying series of developments that threaten to topple the beleaguered Israeli leader.

Police would not confirm whether longtime aide Shlomo Filber would testify against Netanyahu, but all the major Israeli media outlets said a deal to do so had been reached.

Attorney General Avihai Mandelblit, a Netanyahu appointee, will make the final decision on whether to file charges.

‘Around the Block’ has learned exclusively that Netanyahu, who has denied all the charges, had an emergency phone call with U.S. president Donald Trump to discuss how to defend against the allegations. Following that call, Netanyahu lashed out in a tweet: FAKE NEWS!! Media-orchestrated WITCH HUNT that has swept up police and prosecution. “Crooked” Shlomo Filber will be stopped. We will LOCK HIM UP. No COLLUSION. 

  

In addition to the Twitter advice, sources inside the Prime Minister’s office have reported, on the condition of anonymity, that Trump encouraged Netanyahu to demand that attorney general Mandelblit pledge an oath of allegiance to the PM and replace him with Deputy AG Shmuel ben Mosheh Kantorowitsch if the AG doesn’t pledge allegiance. This has led to concern among members of Netanyahu’s Likud party that they are only days away from an Israeli-style  במוצאי שבת (Saturday Night) massacre.

Ivanka to Games. NBC: “We won’t broadcast ‘fake news’"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Ivanka Trump Representing U.S. Delegation at Winter Games Closing Ceremonies

NBC sells TV coverage rights to Fox

Shortly after the White House announced that Ivanka Trump, a self-described “winter-sports enthusiast,” will be flying to Pyeongchang, South Korea, to lead the U.S. presidential delegation at the closing ceremony of the Olympic Winter Games (assisted by White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee "Colonel" Sanders), NBC in a statement on Thursday said that the network had sold the rights to televising the closing ceremony to Fox News.

“NBC has been a major target of President Trump’s claim of broadcasting “fake news.” We take those charges seriously. Given that the president’s statement that in Ivanka ‘we cannot have a better, or smarter, person representing our country’ is inherently false (or fake, in presidential parlance) we felt that we could not, in all good conscious, televise this fake news event. As such, we have sold the rights to the broadcast to a more appropriate network, Fox News.”

A spokesman for Fox confirmed that the network would indeed be carrying the Ivanka closing ceremony, announcing that the coverage would be co-anchored by Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham. Special color commentary will be handled by the Fox and Friends team of presidential sycophants Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt and Brian Kilmeade, as neither Hannity nor Ingraham is capable of color commentary.

Trump: "I'm the best reader ever!"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK*

News with a Twist

Trump brought “Cliff Notes” to Parkland meeting

McMaster: Incontrovertible proof that Trump can read

President Trump took the official White House cue card into a listening session for survivors of school mass shootings organized in the wake of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead.

The handwritten cues that could be seen on the card included "What would you most want me to know about your experience?" and "What can we do to help you feel safe?"

Mr. Trump has been accused of feigning compassion after photographs of the notes emerged, reinforced by the final one, “I hear you.”

In a rigorous defense of the president, General H.R. McMaster, White House national security advisor, said “the president’s cue card is incontrovertible evidence of his ability to read.”

In a tweet some say is critical of McMaster, Trump said, “H.R. forgot to say ‘I am a great reader, maybe the best reader ever!”

*Note to readers: As many of you know, ‘Around the Block’ has been missing in action for several months. This is due to a combination of some personal issues that have taken up more time and effort than I expected and, more importantly, the fact that I’ve found it difficult satirizing and making fun of the current miserable state of our affairs. When I watch people like Samantha Bee and John Oliver, or read Andy Borowitz, and my takeaway is that their satire, their comedy, seems forced and frankly not particularly funny, I question my own modest efforts. I can’t say yet if this post is a tip-toe back and there will be more to come. But keep watching this space.

BTW, my last post in November was entitled ‘Kelly: "Adult in the room or Mini-me."’ Now, wasn’t that prescient?