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Trump Says Miss Universe Screw-up Wouldn’t Have Happened on his Watch

Within minutes of Steve Harvey’s stunning mistaken announcement that Miss Colombia was the new Miss Universe, rather than the actual winner, Miss Philippines, Donald Trump tweeted, “Very sad what happened last night at the Miss Universe Pageant. I sold it 6 months ago for a record price. This would never have happened!” Trump went on to say that he’s seen videos of Colombian people dancing on rooftops in Jersey City in celebration of the Harvey announcement, demanding that Ari Emanuel, owner of WME/IMG, which bought the pageant from Trump, apologize to the people of Colombia, whom he likes very much. For his part, Emanuel, brother of Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel, issued a statement saying that, “although WME/IMG is very unhappy with how Steve Harvey handled the announcement of the winner last night, it is an Emanuel family tradition to never apologize for anything, no matter how egregious the transgression”.

A clearly chagrined Harvey immediately went to Twitter to own up to his mistake saying, “I want to apologize emphatically to Miss Philippians and Miss Columbia. This was a terribly honest human mistake and I am so regretful”. After seeing Harvey’s tweet, Twitter officials have banned him from any further tweeting until he spends three months in remedial spelling classes.

We are still awaiting a statement from the Philippines, whose spokesperson, Imelda Marcos, is searching for the right shoes to wear for her press conference.