Christie Spins Security Record

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Christie Spins His Version of Security Record on Trail

In Defense, Reveals Previously Unknown Christie Family Secrets

Republican presidential candidate, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, never lets an opportunity go by to show off his toughness on crime. In fact, he reminds his audience that he was a federal prosecutor in every debate and campaign stop, sometimes as many as 10 times per appearance.

But, as reported by the New York Times, while a close examination of Mr. Christie’s record as New Jersey’s top federal prosecutor from 2002 to 2008 shows that he did acquire greater counterterrorism experience than his current rivals, it also shows that, at times he has overstated the significance of the terrorism prosecutions he oversaw — he has called them “two of the biggest terrorism cases in the world” — and appears to have exaggerated his personal role in obtaining court permission for surveillance of terrorism suspects.

When pushed into a corner Christie’s natural bullying instincts prevail. But this time, instead of telling his critics that they were stupid and to shut up, Christie revealed information about his family's past, which to this point, has never been exposed.

In an astonishing revelation, Christie said that his family’s history as crime fighters goes back generations but that, due to his normal reticence about hyping his accomplishments, he has so far kept these family accomplishments to himself.  But, the time is right to "fight back", Christie said. In a statement issued by Christie spokesman Chester B. Gould, he not only mentioned that he was a former federal prosecutor by saying, “Did I mention that I was a former federal prosecutor”, he went on to recite chapter and verse about his family and it's crime fighting history. Some of the highlights of the statement:

•       According to Christie, Wyatt Earp, the legendary U.S. Marshal of Tombstone, Arizona is a third cousin, four times removed. Best remembered for his heroics at the shootout at the OK Corral, Earp was also memorialized in the mid-‘50’s TV series The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp. Hugh O’Brien portrayed Earp in the show and despite not having been born when the Wyatt Earp show ran on TV, Christie claimed that he was a consultant on the series.
•       Eliot Ness, the ‘30’s G-Man, Untouchable and Al Capone arch nemesis, was, according to Christie, his great-great uncle on his mother’s side. Although Ness was also portrayed on a‘50’s TV series, The Untouchables starring Robert Stack, Christie said he had nothing to do with the series, but would have consulted on it had he been asked.
•       But in probably the most incredible family connection, Christie said that his great-great-great uncle on his father’s side was Dick Tracy. No, not the fictional Sunday comics Dick Tracy, but the supposedly real Dick Tracy an alleged detective and crime fighter in the Union City, New Jersey police department. When contacted, the mayor of Union City, a Democrat, disputed Christie's claim saying, “There has never been a Dick Tracy in the Union City PD”. The mayor made this statement with the full understanding that, recalling Bridgegate, and in retribution, Christie will close all highways and roads into and out of Union City for maintenance for the remainder of the year. (Full disclosure from the Christie campaign: Christie spokesman Chester B. Gould is the great-great grandson of the Dick Tracy comic strip creator, Chester Gould. The younger Gould said this was strictly coincidental and that to his knowledge his great-great grandfather did not know, or base his character on the non-existent Union City cop, Dick Tracy, the alleged Christie relative). 

As of this writing, none of Christie’s opponents have commented on his alleged family crime fighting credentials, except for Donald J. Trump who, clearly becoming more comfortable with his promise to use Yiddish, said, “I won’t comment on Chris Christie’s mishpucha, but as far as I’m concerned he's a meshugener who didn't know bubkes about crime fighting and ran his department like a shmendrik". Reverting to his conventional English-language insults, Trump closed by saying that Christie was "the worst federal prosecutor in the history of New Jersey", going on to say that he was "worse even than Hillary Clinton would have been had she been the federal prosecutor in New Jersey". 

In a late breaking corroboration of Trump's statement, Tony Soprano, who hasn't been heard from since 2007, and is rumored to be in witness protection somewhere in the mid-west tweeted, "with @ChrisChristie as the #federalprosecutor, we felt that we could get away with #murder".

Upon seeing Soprano's tweet, Matthew Weiner, who was a writer on the HBO series based on Soprano's life, and who created the show Mad Men, said that he was thrilled to hear that Soprano was still active on Twitter, tweeting back "I'm going to ask @dondraperSCDP if he would be willing to write ads for the @realdonaldtrump campaign".