Ivanka to Games. NBC: “We won’t broadcast ‘fake news’"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Ivanka Trump Representing U.S. Delegation at Winter Games Closing Ceremonies

NBC sells TV coverage rights to Fox

Shortly after the White House announced that Ivanka Trump, a self-described “winter-sports enthusiast,” will be flying to Pyeongchang, South Korea, to lead the U.S. presidential delegation at the closing ceremony of the Olympic Winter Games (assisted by White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee "Colonel" Sanders), NBC in a statement on Thursday said that the network had sold the rights to televising the closing ceremony to Fox News.

“NBC has been a major target of President Trump’s claim of broadcasting “fake news.” We take those charges seriously. Given that the president’s statement that in Ivanka ‘we cannot have a better, or smarter, person representing our country’ is inherently false (or fake, in presidential parlance) we felt that we could not, in all good conscious, televise this fake news event. As such, we have sold the rights to the broadcast to a more appropriate network, Fox News.”

A spokesman for Fox confirmed that the network would indeed be carrying the Ivanka closing ceremony, announcing that the coverage would be co-anchored by Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham. Special color commentary will be handled by the Fox and Friends team of presidential sycophants Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt and Brian Kilmeade, as neither Hannity nor Ingraham is capable of color commentary.

Trump: "I'm the best reader ever!"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK*

News with a Twist

Trump brought “Cliff Notes” to Parkland meeting

McMaster: Incontrovertible proof that Trump can read

President Trump took the official White House cue card into a listening session for survivors of school mass shootings organized in the wake of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead.

The handwritten cues that could be seen on the card included "What would you most want me to know about your experience?" and "What can we do to help you feel safe?"

Mr. Trump has been accused of feigning compassion after photographs of the notes emerged, reinforced by the final one, “I hear you.”

In a rigorous defense of the president, General H.R. McMaster, White House national security advisor, said “the president’s cue card is incontrovertible evidence of his ability to read.”

In a tweet some say is critical of McMaster, Trump said, “H.R. forgot to say ‘I am a great reader, maybe the best reader ever!”

*Note to readers: As many of you know, ‘Around the Block’ has been missing in action for several months. This is due to a combination of some personal issues that have taken up more time and effort than I expected and, more importantly, the fact that I’ve found it difficult satirizing and making fun of the current miserable state of our affairs. When I watch people like Samantha Bee and John Oliver, or read Andy Borowitz, and my takeaway is that their satire, their comedy, seems forced and frankly not particularly funny, I question my own modest efforts. I can’t say yet if this post is a tip-toe back and there will be more to come. But keep watching this space.

BTW, my last post in November was entitled ‘Kelly: "Adult in the room or Mini-me."’ Now, wasn’t that prescient?

Kelly: "Adult in the room or Mini-me"

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

John Kelly Pins Civil War on ‘Lack of Ability to Compromise’

Huckabee Sanders defends Kelly’s remarks: ‘He’s 4-star general’

In an appearance on Fox News program “The Ingraham Angle” Monday night, John Kelly, the White House chief of staff, resurrected the debate over Confederate monuments — previously fueled by his boss, President Trump, over the summer — and the Confederacy itself. 

He called Robert E. Lee “an honorable man who gave up his country to fight for his state,” said that “men and women of good faith on both sides made their stand where their conscience had them make their stand,” and argued that “the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War.”

John Kelly is often described as the “adult in the room” in a disorganized, contentious White House and as the person who can “control Donald Trump’s impetuous ‘Twitter finger.’”

Instead, Kelly is he looking more and more like a Trump “mini-me?”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders immediately defended Kelly’s statements.

When asked by a reporter whether giving up your country to fight for your state sounds a lot like treason and anarchy, Huckabee Sanders said, “Look, General Kelly is a four-star general, a hero, and I find it treasonable on your part to question his remarks and even suggest that he would condone treason.”

To a question regarding Kelly’s remarks about good faith and conscience when the issue was slavery, Huckabee Sanders responded, “Look, General Kelly did not address slavery in his remarks and I think it is discourteous for you to bring up an issue General Kelly, a four-star general, didn’t even address.”

Regarding Kelly’s comments about his contention that an inability to compromise led to the Civil War, Huckabee Sanders was asked to comment on the many compromises that were made in the years leading up to the Civil War, including the Missouri Compromise (1820), the Compromise of 1850, the Kansas-Nebraska Act (1854) not to mention the Three-Fifths Compromise, which counted slaves as three-fifths of a person for the purposes of congressional districting.

“Look, as you all know those were all old compromises. Where was the compromise of 1861? It was six-years since that last compromise and, quite frankly, that one wasn't even labeled a compromise. I mean, why didn’t they call the Kansas-Missouri thingee a compromise so people like me and General Kelly, a four-star general, would understand that it was a compromise. Kind of sloppy, don’t you think? So for many of us, including General Kelly, the last compromise was in 1850. I think you’d agree that’s a long time between compromises.”

In ending her remarks on the issue Huckabee Sanders said, “Look, General Kelly agrees with the President who said, if you remember, ‘Why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?’

Adult in the room, indeed!

Clintons/Trump -- Sleaze and Sleazier

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Farrelly Bros. “Dumb and Dumber” sequel: “Sleaze and Sleazier”

New film to focus on Clintons and Trump and the “Trump-Russian Dossier”

In a surprise announcement, the Farrelly brothers, Bobby and Peter, best known for their blockbuster 1994 film, Dumb and Dumber, will soon begin shooting a new film Sleaze and Sleazier.

According to Bobby Farrelly, “The idea came to us this morning after we heard the news that the Clintons and the DNC partially funded the research into the Trump-Russian Dossier."

Peter Farrelly went on to say “When we heard Trump’s comments regarding that revelation we decided we had to make the film."

Trump told reporters on Wednesday that the campaign and the DNC's involvement with the dossier was a "very sad commentary on politics in this country. Hillary Clinton always denied it. The Democrats always denied it, and now, only because it is going to come out in a court case, they said yes they did it. They admitted it and they are embarrassed by it,” going on to say, ‘I think it is a disgrace.”

According to Bobby Farrelly, “for Trump to think something is a ‘disgrace’ is pretty incredible. I mean, who is more disgraceful than Donald Trump? And since the Trumps and the Clintons epitomize political sleaze, why not do a film about it.”

While casting has not been announced, the Farrelly brothers intimated that many of the usual subjects would be cast, including Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump, Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton, Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton, Laura Benanti as Melania Trump, Larry David as Bernie Sanders and Melissa McCarty as Sean Spicer.

And in an incredible casting coup, according to Peter Farrelly, Edie Falco has signed on to play the role of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, chair of the DNC during the election campaign “as long as she can bring the wig she wore in Law and Order True Crime -- The Menendez Murders.”

Trump philosophy for agency oversight - put the foxes in the hen houses!

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

For-profit university head tapped to oversee fraud by higher-education institutions

Appointee engaged in abuses agency is tasked to eliminate; more picks of this kind to come

The Trump administration has tapped Julian Schmoke, a former DeVry University administrator, to lead the Education Department’s student-aid enforcement unit. Schmoke, will be in charge of addressing allegations of illegal activities such as fraud by higher-education institutions.

The move provoked complaints from critics who pointed out that DeVry recently settled several claims brought against it by regulators alleging it had engaged in some of the very abuses the unit is charged with eliminating.

The appointment led Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) to tweet, This is a joke, right? Basically akin to nominating influenza to be the Surgeon General.”

Responding to Murphy’s tweet, White House counselor Kellyanne Conway said, “I’m not sure what the senator is complaining about. Who better to watch over illegal activities than a perpetrator of those illegal activities.”

Further to Conway’s comments, Around the Block has learned exclusively that the Trump administration has a number of  other “fox in the hen house” appointments in the works.

Specifically, White House sources have indicated that the following high-level picks will be announced in the next few weeks:

Bernie Madoff will simultaneously be pardoned by President Trump and named chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, the agency which holds primary responsibility for enforcing the federal securities laws, proposing securities rules, and regulating the securities industry.

Charles Ponzi IV, great-great grandson of Charles Ponzi, inventor of the infamous “Ponzi Scheme,” (see, Madoff, B.) will be named director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB), the agency responsible for consumer protection in the financial sector.

David Duke, former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, will be named chairman of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the agency responsible for investigating discrimination complaints based on, among other criteria, an individual's race, national origin, religion, sex, and gender identity.

And in a surprise move, Samuel Clovis’ recent nomination as Under Secretary of Agriculture in charge of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's research, education, and economic analysis programs, will be withdrawn and, instead, Clovis will be named Assistant Secretary of State for Intelligence and Research. Clovis has described climate research as "junk science,” told Iowa Public Radio that he is “skeptical about climate change,” has written that progressives were "liars, race traders and race 'traitors,” and has said that “homosexual behavior is a choice and that the sanctioning of same-sex marriage could lead to the legalization of pedophilia.”

Clovis, pictured below, is also the author of the self-improvement guide, “Sam Clovis’ Guide to a Happier Life Through Diet and Exercise.”

Contacted by Around the Block, Senator Murphy commented, "C'mon, this really is a joke, right? I mean you call this thing "News with a Twist."