Spicer: Russian dressing, blinis, roulette, balalaika out

Satire from Ted Block

AROUND THE BLOCK

News with a Twist

Trump will substitute Thousand Island for Russian dressing

Other “Russian” things to be replaced

One day after White House press secretary Sean Spicer complained to reporters “if the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s a Russian connection,” Spicer issued new rules regarding President Trump’s and his administration’s Russian connections.

At a special press briefing today Spicer announced “Russian dressing is the president’s favorite salad dressing but because he is fed up with these Russian conspiracy theories, going forward the president will only use Thousand Island dressing on his salads.”

While similar, Russian and Thousand Island dressing are not exactly the same; Thousand Island dressing began supplanting the Russian variety in the mid-1950’s as the Cold War intensified and the Red Scare swept the nation.

At the presser, Spicer also announced other repudiations of things Russian: At all future White House and Mar-a-Lago state dinners, the president’s favorite appetizer, blinis and caviar, will be replaced by “Hungry Jack pancakes and lumpfish roe;" all "Russian roulette wheels will be removed from Trump casinos;" and, in a complete surprise, the president “will cease his 3 am Twitter-relief balalaika lessons, substituting ukulele lessons instead.”

It is not clear whether the switch to the ukulele is also a blatant attempt to secure the all-important Hawaii vote in upcoming elections.