Americans held by Iran released. Republicans trash deal.

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U.S. Negotiates Prisoner Swap with Iran

Jason Rezaian and four others coming home

In late breaking news, the U.S. and Iran announced a prisoner swap in which five Iranian-Americans held by Iran were released in exchange for seven Iranians held in U.S. prisons. Among the Americans released by Iran was Jason Rezaian, the Washington Post reporter who has been held in Tehran for 14 months.

The agreement brought swift and virulent responses from Republican presidential candidates.

Businessman and reality show star Donald Trump said, “This goes to show that Obama is not only weak but that he is a terrible negotiator. I mean five for seven? This is a disgrace. This is a bad deal. If I was president it would have been a huge deal, not this really, really bad deal. It would been at least 50 for seven, maybe even 500 for seven, not this. This is terrible. If Obama and Kerry were on the Apprentice, my top-rated reality show, they would have been among the first to go. Clearly, they haven't read my best-selling business book of all time, The Art of Deal. If they had read the book, they wouldn't have made this terrible, embarrassing, disgraceful deal. 

Texas senator Ted Cruz was livid. “ While I don’t know all the details of the deal, I’m sure that there are very problematic aspects of it." 

Having said that, and reiterating that he didn’t know all, or any of the details, Cruz went on to say, "I can’t believe Obama would stoop so low and make a deal this bad. I guarantee that when I’m president no deal like this would ever be made since I would never, ever negotiate with the Iranians and the Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei." 

Cruz continued, "If I was president, my first step would have been to absolutely and unequivocally tear up the Obama/Kerry/Clinton nuclear deal that facilitates and accelerates Iran getting a nuclear bomb. Immediately after that I would have ordered all U.S. military forces to instantaneously and recklessly carpet bomb all Iranian territory until their sand glows in the dark. Then, and only then, would I have demanded the Iranians release the Americans." 

The Cruz campaign clarified Cruz's statement saying, "The release of the Americans in Iran assumes any of them would have survived the carpet bombing.”

Florida senator Marco Rubio initially derided the Obama/Clinton prisoner deal saying, “I deride the Obama/Clinton prisoner deal.” Rubio’s campaign then announced that the “Senator will withhold all further criticism of Obama and Clinton on this issue until he determines what criticism would be most advantageous politically.”

Retired brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson said, “To me this is very simple. Five for seven just doesn’t add up. I mean, we give up seven and only get five back? You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to see that’s a bad deal.”

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush said, “I think this deal with Iraq is terrible and once again shows the bankrupt policies of President Obama and Secretary Clinton just don’t work.” When reminded that the deal is with Iran, not Iraq and was negotiated by Secretary Kerry, not Clinton, Bush mumbled, “This can’t be happening, I’m supposed to be the smart Bush.”

New Jersey governor Chris Christie was so angry about this deal that he appeared about to explode. It is not clear if he was about to explode because of the weak and feckless policies of the Obama administration or because he ate too much pasta last night. Christie did say, “As a former federal prosecutor, I know how to be tough. This is not being tough. I would have stopped at nothing to bring these Americans home including bringing full military action against the Iranians and shooting down any Russian jets that tried to stop me.”

For their part, the other Republican candidates issued statements condemning the prisoner swap but no one cared enough to read them.